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Hotel Tales
Something comes up during the night shift.

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Hotel Tales . . .

The Platinum Club Member's Tale . . .

"It should not be necessary for me to recount the fear, disgust, horror and revulsion that I experienced at your establishment. I shall allow my attorney to do that."

The General Manager's Tale . . .

"A deplorable incident recently occurred on the doorstep of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel. One of our Associates acted inappropriately while dealing with a valued Platinum Club Member. I can assure everyone that the management and staff of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel regret any inconvenience caused by this event. Our Associates are the finest in the world. This isolated occurrence is in no way representative of the superior service that our Associates routinely give and that patrons of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel expect and demand."

The Beverage Manager's Tale. . .

"Here at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel, we are very proud of what we refer to as our 'Seleccion Par Excellence' - beer, wine, spirit and cordial inventory. 'Seleccion Par Excellence' means that the Mark Five Plaza Hotel carries such a vast inventory of beverages that we can serve our guest anything they request - immediately. From Budweiser to Rothschild, from Absinthe to Ouzo, from Beam to Beefeater, we have it all. A guest at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel will never be told we can't serve what he ordered. It is the level of service that patrons of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel expect and demand.

Let me show you what it takes to make 'Seleccion Par Excellence' work. Behind this door is a 7600 square foot beverage inventory room. At a minimum, we have $7 million on the shelves. At the peak, before the Christmas and the New Year Holiday week, we carry an inventory in excess of $16 million.

If you look straight to the back of the room, you will see the beer cooler where we chill over 230 brands of beer. The number grows weekly as we acquire beers from micro-breweries worldwide.

To your right, all the way to the ceiling, is our wine selection. Spanning 100 years and 147 vineyards, our wine selection was praised in Wine Connoisseur Magazine as one of the world's most extensive wine collections - and, what is more - it is all for sale!

On the left, you see all of our spirits, mixes and liquors - more than 500 brands! Toward the front of the room nearest the door are the top sellers. We put them right here because they don't stay long - For instance, here's a dozen cases of Jack Daniel's, six cases of Stoli, two of Johnny Walker, four Tanqueray - you see what I mean. All in all, we have maybe a hundred cases in this area. They rotate in and out daily.

Personally, I am honored to be a part of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel 'Seleccion Par Excellence' program. 'Seleccion Par Excellence' is a standard that sets the Mark Five Plaza Hotel 'head and shoulders' above any other hotel in the world. Our wine selection is considered as one of the foremost collections - public or private - in the world. It is just one more reason why you never need to consider any other hotel. The Mark Five Plaza Hotel is the ONLY hotel."

The Security Manager's Tale . . .

" I don't have to tell you that I take the security and safety of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel as well as each and every guest, employee or contractor on site as my personal obligation to their safety and security. I am dedicated to the security and safety of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel and every guest, employee or contractor that visits us. My job is never complete unless and until each and every person who enters the Mark Five Plaza Hotel can leave safely and securely with all their valuables safe and secure.

I personally review the background of each and every candidate that applies to be a security guard at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel. I hire only candidates who have previous law enforcement experience or have completed a verifiable criminal justice course of study at an accredited college. I have a degree in interrogation and I interview each and every candidate extensively. I can say to you that my employees are above reproach. We take safety and security at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel very seriously. It is my job. It is my life. . . . And I assure you I take my job and my life every seriously."

The Night Guard's Tale.

" Aww. The first time I saw the liquor room, I about lost it. I mean, woah, You know? I mean this room is, like, as big as a basketball court. Ya know? And it's full to the ceiling with - you name it - beer, booze, wine, STUFF YOU NEVER HEARD OF; Every where.

So, I think; This is too much. They don't know what's going on here. They can't. I'm security and it's my ass because I'm supposed to be protecting it but what if they don't know what they GOT ? I'm gonna get creamed - that's what.

So, the first week, I try them out. I figure I'll 'perpetrate' a little test - you know what I mean? A little test to see if they know what's going on. So, I open the door and RIGHT THERE is a dozen cases of Jack Daniel's! TWELVE CASES! So, I get a dolly and I take two cases from the liquor room and walk them out to my car.

For a three weeks , I drove around with them two cases of Jack Daniel's in my trunk - just waiting for somebody to report a theft. Ya see, then I could FIND them stolen cases and I would be a hero.

But nothing happened. The Security Department never was notified of a theft. Nobody said I should look out for somebody stealing booze. They didn't install a covert camera - I checked. Nothing happened. They didn't know or didn't care. NOTHING happened. Two cases of Jack missing and it was not a problem. OK! Fine! So, now I knew how they were playing the game. They didn't know what they had.

So, I figure, this is a pretty good gig. Why risk my job trying to return them two cases of JD ? Might as well destroy the evidence! Which I did.

Ever since then, I have always helped myself to a bottle of booze whenever I felt like it. I don't touch that fancy wine. Beer is no big thing to me. I just stick to the stuff right by the door. No sense in getting greedy. There is lots of it and it seems to turn over real fast. After 13 years, nobody has ever said a thing. It is a pretty good part of the job. Mostly, I like a little Jack Daniel's now and again. Like I said, the JD is usually right by the door. I only take what I need - maybe a few quarts a week - that's all. It sure makes the night shift a little more tolerable."

The Valet's Tale . . .

"The late valet shift really sucks. The people going to and from parties and going out to eat are pretty much covered by the guys who work the 3:00 to 11:00 shift. Night Valets from 11:00 to 7:00 in the morning get a little of the late night action but don't make squat compared to those guys. I'm up all night for maybe $65 in tips. It's a 'rip' but if I do this shift for a little longer, maybe my manager will put me on a 'good money' shift.

What really sucks about being a Night Valet at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel is that the other Valets take the parking spaces closest to the Hotel. Night Shift gets stuck parking their cars on the top ramp of the parking garage - towards the back. That really sucks. It takes you a couple of minutes to get to the top of the garage. You park the car and run for the elevator. Wait for the elevator. Ride to the first floor. Run back to the Valet Station to get yelled at because 'THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING' . So, you apologize and do it again. Dude, it really, really sucks.

Anyway, at night, I get to hang out with the security guard a lot. When there are no cars to park, we talk and stuff. He is always pretty mellow. One time, I finally asked him, 'Dude, how do you do it? Doesn't this STUFF ever get to you?' He just smiled and said, 'It's gotta be a secret. My secret. Promise you won't tell.'

I agreed that I would never tell. He showed me this HUGE room full of booze! The Booze section of Walmart? - no comparison. Ya ever been into Highway Discount Liquors? - It's twice that big! HUGE! So, this security guard picks up a bottle of Jack Daniel's and says, 'Caught one.'

So, we go back to the guard shack and he pours a JD and Coke. 'Gotta stay awake', he says. I don't like Coke, so I just do shots.

So, were having a good time drinking Jack Daniel's when my pager goes off. 'SHIT, I gotta go park a car.' So, off I go.

Turned out to be very cool. There is this guy who is drunker than I am. It's a brand new PORSCHE and he tosses me the keys. So, I take it up to the top of the parking garage and see what it can do. I was in the middle of a 360 burnout when the pager went off again, 'SHIT, I gotta go park another car.' I spun that guy's Porsche into a parking stall and made a run for the elevator.

Man, You gotta appreciate this picture:

By the time I got back to the Valet Desk, I was soaked with sweat. My shirt was wet and sweat was raining down my face. There was this rich lady who was waiting for me to park her car. It was a brand new Jag. She was already pissed that she had to wait for me, and my appearance didn't help.

'I'm not sure I want to let you have my car!', the old hag barked.

I took a step forward to just grab her keys and be done with it. But, I stepped off the curb. I was just drunk enough that the little drop in elevation made me waddle forward. I was waving my arms with my head down trying to regain balance. It's kinda funny to try to explain but the whole thing made me start to get sick. Kinda like seasick, you know? Anyway, long story short, I kinda like danced off the curb with my head down and my arms waving until I ran into the Lady and puked on her shoes.

Still sick, I recoiled and drifted backwards - leaving a trail - until I fell seat-first into a potted Ficus Tree.

I looked her in the eye as I wiped my chin with my sleeve and said, 'So Lady, How about them keys?'

That was my last shift. They got my manager out of bed at 3:00 in the morning to come down and fire me. Man, he was TICKED ! He took me in the back room and just hollered at me. I don't remember what I said in my defense, but I remember I thought it was pretty comical. Then, they got the Night Guard to escort me off property. He shook my hand and said, " You promised you wouldn't tell. And you didn't. That's cool.'

I heard later that she paid something like a thousand dollars for them shoes. Crazy, Huh? A thousand dollars for a freakin' pair of shoes."

The Marketing Department's Tale . . .

"Dear _____________

We regret that your experience at the Mark Five Plaza Hotel was less than exceptional. At the Mark Five Plaza Hotel, we are very proud of the exceptional level of service that patrons of the Mark Five Plaza Hotel expect and demand. "

The Used Car Salesman's Tale . . .

" Selling Cars sucks but selling used cars really sucks. They really pressure you to sell all different kinds of stuff that the customer doesn't even need - just to get the price up. Then they want you get the customer to buy extended maintenance and then they . . . well, it just keeps going and going.

But it's OK because all I need to do is keep my quota up for a few more months and maybe they let me transfer over to selling the new cars.

But, if I ever get bummed out about my job, I just have to think about the worst job I ever had and I realize I got it pretty good here at the car lot. No matter how bad it gets, it could never be as bad as that job I once had - night shift valet over at the Mark Five Plaza.

Who would've thought? A thousand dollars for a freakin' pair of shoes."


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